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Singing in the Rain - The Fat Bloke Sevens 2006

Well it should really be the CHP Consulting Fat Bloke Sevens as we had sponsorship for the event this year. CHP Consulting have had a team involved since the beginning and although having earned the nickname 'The Stick Insects', their team does get into the full spirit and ethos of the Fat Blokes, to socialise and party with the other teams.

Friday saw the hired transit van, for we now bring so much 'stuff' a van is required, having the final few items loaded into it. I had thought we'd packed the van full of vital kit, the PA system, Marquee's etc, but no! Twice the amount of 'stuff' was need as elsie had to bring things to make the camping comfortable. Chairs, beds, duvets, tents, clothes, most of Tesco's food department and huge amounts of booze. I thought we overdid it on everything but the booze to be honest.

We arrived at Reading Abbey RFC to see several campers already set up and a handful of Abbey folk sorting out pitches. I did my usual "I'd best check that everything is alright" routine and left Mrs Cheffy and elsie to put up tents and things that seemed a bit menial to one so important. A very pleasant afternoon was spent wandering around meeting old friends and new, and 'new' ones who it turned out I had met at previous Fat Blokes weekends, ah the joys of short term memory loss. I managed to get most of the PA system into the clubhouse somehow during all this socialising and being important stuff and thankfully my tactic worked as I noticed at some point I had a tent to sleep in - thank you elsie and Mrs Cheffy.

The Friday evening was once again a relaxed and fun affair, this time in 'Posh Frocks and Black Tie'. Some superb and bizarre interpretations on this theme were seen - nuff said although I apologise for my kilt not being larger - as well as what was seen under it. We had music from 'Bob Hazeldine', the Geordie with the voice of an angel. OK - the voice of an angel with a bad throat infection whose just been shouting over an artillery barrage but the voice of an angel none the less. 'Martin Walsh' and friends followed up with some great music. To finish the evening, 'Rage against the Poteen' came on expecting to do about an hour to let other people have a go later. The crowd, which had grown substantially throughout the evening as more and more campers arrived and came to the clubhouse, were obviously in no mood for anything other than the rubbish the 'Rage' can dish up. I've never seen such a reaction of dancing, singing and general 'Huzzah'ing for an acoustic duo, especially one as bad as the 'Rage'. According to Ken E, the highlight was saying " Here's one for the Quins fans, and the Worcester fans, and the Bristol fans … and any other fans" before they launched into 'The Fields of Athenry".

Once the bar closed, the party moved to either the 'Land Rovers Return' marquee or to the campsite, which now had about 300-400 campers. A scene from 'Apocalypse Now' was dimly recalled but dispersed as we headed into the fray and got down to some serious 'socialising'. The arrival of the Camel Jockeys at 2 in the morning got a great response as seriously drunk people seem to like watching other seriously drunk people putting tents up in the dark. Ho Ho - what fun.

Saturday morning - OUCH! Not enough sleep. I think there was some rain about 5AM which had sent everyone to bed - to be honest - I have no idea. The next few hours were a bit of a whirl as referees were welcomed, 'HQ' was set up, Dutch scouts assigned jobs, teams registered, Hogroast man sorted etc etc. And then suddenly rugby was being played! It had started! The Fat Blokes has become a beast and seems to just take off with the goodwill of everyone who turns up.

I managed to get a 5 minute piece of game time with the Fairies, ably run by Rich H this year. I managed to get to wander round all the pitches and talk to all the teams and supporters groups and also managed to get a cup of tea. Trouble and elsie were doing a sterling job at HQ otherwise I wouldn't have been able to wander round so big a thank you to them. I was also able to join in the World's largest and longest ever rolling maul, starting on one pitch and finishing on the other. Bristol were once again in fine form, not only with their maul but also with the 'Trampette (type of small trampoline apparently) and stepladder' lineout technique. They were decent enough to lend the trampette to any short hookers they played against.

A bit of rain - the first time ever at the Fat Blokes - actually was blessed as it gave us some relief from the heat. At about 3 O'clock it slowed a little, just in time for a flurry of activity at HQ as teams wanted to know who was going through to the next round and could they, if not going through, get to the bar now please. After working out who was going through to the knockout stages, I was delighted to watch the London Irish Ladies (The Trumping Tinkerbelles) play their first ever match. OK it was against themselves as one of the Ladies teams hadn't turned up but it was great to see that after all the hard work put in by them over the previous weeks under the tutelage of Bisach, they seemed to be playing rugby - and not bad rugby either!

The knockout round grouping held no surprises as the cream floated to the top and the dregs drifted down to our proper level. The standard of rugby remains contentious, as there are still calls to make the tournament seeded or handicapped or something to separate the different teams of differing abilities. I still think that when played in the right spirit we just about have the balance right.

In the @rse final, organiser Eek managed to bribe the opposition once again to get another solo effort try, from his own 10 yard line going through every Worcester Wobbler, except for the one he handed his pint too (thanks Hywell), to go through and score a flying try. The big shock was the fat b*stard then converted it much to the amazement of all including himself!

The results of the tournament were as follows:

The CHP Consulting Fat Bloke Sevens 2006 Ladies Champions

The Jack Wakefield Trophy

Harlequin Ladies (Jason's Jezebelles)

The CHP Consulting Fat Bloke Sevens 2006 Cup Winner

Havant RFC (No Guts No Glory)

The CHP Consulting Fat Bloke Sevens 2006 Sheild Winner

Beaconsfield RFC (Beaconsfield Beaks)

The CHP Consulting Fat Bloke Sevens 2006 Plate (@rse) Winner

Worcester Supporters Team (Worcester Wobblers)

The CHP Consulting Fat Bloke Sevens 2006 Team of the Tournament
The Mike Lee Trophy

London Irish Ladies (The Trumping Tinkerbelles)

The Team of the Tournament is chosen by the referees taking part in the event for the team showing best Corinthian spirit, having fun and being courteous. Everyone at the event thought that Bristol would win this once again but to squeals of delight, the Tinkerbelles got the award unanimously. Never have I seen a team so pleased to have won a trophy and elsie's face was a picture as she collected the trophy. Her face was a picture but her screaming was of a banshee in pain - a very excited elsie is all I can say.

Gordon, Jack's Daddy, handed over the Ladies team trophy, named in honour of Jack, and he'd managed a few trips out onto the field as one of the Fairies during the day. It was great to see him there and for a lot of people it meant a lot to be able to meet him in person and have a chat with him.

The evening saw 'Queens of the Dotage' make their Fat Blokes debut. Once again, an air of suspense over whether an acoustic Skiffle revival band would go down well with the, by now, liberally 'happy' crowd. No need to worry - the joint was hoppin'. A fantastic gig followed by the massed Dutch Scout Choir murdering John Denver's greatest hits. To crown the evening, Halrequins Ladies ably destroyed an Abba'esque rugby song with gusto followed by the ever trusty cheesy disco. Once again the party stumbled out into the night and the Land Rovers Return and the campsite. One thing about Saturday which was quite new was the vast amount of nakedness. I blame the Camel Jockeys who's genitals were obviously enjoying the soft southern sunny weather - nearly put me off my hot dogs I can tell you. Once again, I am unable to report on the end of proceedings….it would have finished at some point though.

Sunday morning and a fine fry up in the clubhouse - the previous two nights of Abbey Curry providing a good base for the black pudding to sit on (Fat Blokes at its best!).

Jack's Match was due to kick off at 11AM and the Bristol Buccaneers arrived, photo's were taken and both teams, the Buccaneers and the London Irish Pirates, headed to the centre of the pitch. The teams were mixed together, Bristolian next in the circle to a Pirate and huddled as one team whilst our referee, Ashley Rowden, blew the whistle for a minutes silence to remember why we were there, to remember Jack and remember our loved ones. I think most of the grizzled ugly old fat blokes in that huddle will remember it with some emotion.

The game proved a little one sided, the Buccaneers having obviously played together before and being a bit quick in the backs. The Irish Pirates held their own in the set pieces but the sleeker Bristol forwards were always quicker to the breakdown meaning the Irish had little ball. When the girls did get it, the Buccaneers tackling was formidable and our lack of game time with each other showed. Fortunately the Pirate skipper, Rich H again, had the humour to keep the lads going in the face of such strong opposition.

Eventually ref Ash saw the error of his ways in refereeing correctly and Bristol tries were disallowed because the player 'had run too fast'. Tiny George, the Bristol skipper, was pinged for no using enough Grecian 2000 and finally Ash declared the next try to be the winner, helped ensure it was scored by the Pirates and what a try it was by James, a Worcester supporter who'd never played rugby before, juggling the ball across the line with Ash screaming "Ground it you idiot!".

I don't think any of the players have ever had so much fun on the pitch. I know Ash really enjoyed it as he spent most of the match rolling around on the floor laughing until tears were streaming down his face.

So that was the Fat Blokes that was.

Have to thank:

And everyone who came and made this one of the best Fat Blokes yet - see you on the weekend of 20th - 22nd July 2007